Harry Potter: ABRIDGED! 1
by Topsy Kretts
Summary: Oh my! I abridged book 1! Meant for amusement. I'd like to do them all for amusement.


A/N: For comical purposes only. I know I didn't correctly spell a lot but I wrote it just out of boredom. I'd like to do the whole series just for the hell of it. LOLZ.

Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone

ABRIDGED!

Once upon a time there was a fat man named Vernon, he was the uncle of Harry Potter, but that's not really important.

Anyway, one day this wizard named Dumbledore, you'll find out he's gay later but he's already dead by then so it's to late to hope for some Dumbledore romance in the next book, left baby Potter on the doorstep of uncle Vernon, a fat inhospitable man who's stick thin wife and lardass son were hardly any better.

Anyway, this witch that goes along with Dumbledore, McGonagall, an ugly fucking bitch who, by no surprise, turns into a fucking cat at will. Oh oh oh, and this half giant guy who's pretty non-integral except for various comic relief comes in on a flying fucking motorcycle to deliver the baby himself. So they leave him there with his fucking abusive aunt, uncle and cousin. Good job.

Anyway, a while later Harry is acting as the family whipping boy and in house slave. They're pretty shitty to him, but that's ok Harry doesn't know any better and in any case he's basically the reincarnation of fucking Christ so he's all selfless and shit.

Later they take the boys to the museum and some stuff happens involving uninhibited magic and some parcel tongue which you'll find out is important later. His aunt and uncle are pretty peeved. Then he gets a letter from Hogwarts cause you know his parents (who are dead btw) were fucking wizards and they've been waiting for him to come of age so he could go to the same school they went to.

They don't want him to find out who he really is so they forbid him to go and by some fricken random ass occurrence the wizards start sending letters through all the windows and chimney and stuff. Haven't these people heard of an email? Or maybe just knock on the fucking door. A telephone call would be much more efficient…anyway, so later Hagrid takes Harry away after dropping the predictable bombshell that he's really a wizard.

Hagrid takes him to Diagon alley where all the wizards pretty much go shopping. He meets Professor Quirrel right before he goes there who is important to the story later. Anyway, they go there and Harry finds out that he actually isn't a pauper but a rich fucking bastard so his life is pretty much already fulfilled. I might add that wizards still use a system of coin currency like people during the fucking Renaissance even though they probably could use a more efficient way to do things like some sort of card system or something easy that JK Rowling wouldn't think about cause that wouldn't be wonderfully different, oh joy.

Anyway, they get all his school supplies and shit. He meets Draco Malfoy, a pale kid with a face like a knife who's pretty much a Nazi. Anyway, he's important later too, but for the next few books he's just kind of a general antagonist when nothing else is happening. Anyway, a little later Harry leaves for Hogwarts (what a name) via a magical train platform (seriously? Who uses trains? Certainly not fucking wizards), that is through a wall that no one has found besides wizards and witches despite the fact that it's a space that I'm sure people have touched.

Anyway, he meets Ron Weasley who's pretty much Paul as Harry is to Jesus. Harry takes advantage of him a lot so he's a pretty sympathetic character, poor, unappreciated, unmotivated…anyway…They get to Hogwarts via the train and the sorting hat puts him into Gryfindore, although it almost put him in Slytherin which is important later.

Anyway, he meets Professor Snape briefly through a pretty loathing stare, he's really really important but mostly used as a red herring.

Snape doesn't like him, you'll find out why later cause that's…well that's not really important to the overall story…

Later Harry is appointed the Quittich Seeker even though he's underage but who fucking cares? Fuck the rules! It's Harry fucking Christ- I mean Potter! Anyway so that works out well for a while, etc.

Some other stuff happens that's important but not important enough to be included in this abridged version. Just know it was pretext for them to snoop around later.

Some stuff with a Troll happens, Quarell let it in. Hermione takes the blame after the boys fight it and they all become good friends…awwww.

Anyway, Snape gets bitten by the three headed dog that's guarding the Philosophers stone you'll find out about later and during the ensuing quiitich match Snape is further seen by Harry as malevolent even though it was Quarell.

Later, during Christmas, Harry receives a good plot device, the invisibility cloak that belonged to his father, although he doesn't know that yet. Anyway he uses it to find out some stuff but has to hide in this room with this mirror that shows you what you want most. Dumbledore eventually shows up and in an ensuing case of a possible pedophilia moment he explains the use of the mirror.

Yet later Harry finds out some more useful information about Nicholas Flamel who just by coincidence will turn 666 later. Anyway he finds out more about the philosophers stone which is the important plot device to pay attention to.

He is suspicious of Snape and sees him talking to Quarrel who is actually the bad guy but Harry misconstrues everything and always misjudges people's character.

OTHER stuff happens, that isn't terribly important overall cause the ending nullifies it all.

Later he finds out the first defense may be avoided by Snape (but it's not really snape who's bad), he goes to tell Dumbledore who is conveniently gone.

Later the three go to get to the Stone before the antagonist but he's already done everything. They have to do things that each of them is good at to get passed it which is really convenient. During the trials Ron must sacrifice himself to let Harry go on which is more Christ-like that any-fucking-thing Harry does for a long while.

Anyway, he gets to the chamber where the stone is kept but only the Mirror is there. Quarell comes and reveals everything that the reader could have figured out himself but didn't. Anyway it turns out that Voldy is on the back of Quarell's head, and consequently his head smells pretty bad, but you'd think Voldy would be like, "Hey, pass that toothbrush my way, my breath smells like ass and people are starting to notice." But I guess not.

So Harry gets the stone from another series of irrationally magical situations in which case the mirror is the key to getting the stone. Quarell is pretty pissed but just touching Harry makes him burn which is another good plot device to make sure Harry survives. Anyway, Harry passes out like a pussy and wakes up to find Dumbledore there who explains all the loose ends (besides the BIG picture) and says he is alive because of his mother which is funny cause she already did save him once and now she's dead.

All and all the stone is destroyed for protection and Harry has to return to his abusive relatives for the summer, conveniently he isn't allowed to use magic outside of school. Wow! GOOD STORY!

Fin?


End file.
